Vaguely Urban

The Great Debaters

Call me a snob, but I hate generic ibuprofen.  The disgusting fake-banana taste, the lack of the scrumptious candy coating found on Advil tablets - intolerable.

I got real Advil in my stocking this year.  I needed some last night, at the end of a hell-of-a day that started with my alarm going off at 4:20 a.m. and ended even more depressingly, if that's possible.

Handing me two of the True Pills, Dave remarked that he does not like real Advil, actually preferring the faux version for its smaller size.  I couldn't believe it.  "What about the coating?" I asked.  Dave immediately responded, "I'd rather swallow a mouse than an elephant, even if the elephant is covered in lube."

Hard to argue with laser-sharp logic like that.

Thermasilk, We Hardly Knew Ye

It's confirmed.  The good people of Helene Curtis, in their infinite wisdom, have collapsed the once-mighty Thermasilk line into their Sunsilk line. 

Worse yet, I used up the final precious dregs of my last vat-o-'Silk this morning.  I had a brief, but poignant service above our recycling bin.

It's the end of an era.  I'm sad.

Fortunately, Dave knows the healing power of home-rolled carbs.

Who cares if I have bad hair for the rest of my life?  I'll be so fat and happy from the pasta that I won't even notice. 

Flotsam 2: Electric Boogaloo

The secret to how I keep my plants so healthy and vibrant (I know you've wondered):  I share my coffee with them.  Every morning, one of my plants gets the last few sips from the cup.  They freaking LOVE it, and eagerly await their turn in the rotation.  No cream or sweetener.  Just pure essence of the bean.

More free advice: if you can't make it through a meal without re-upping your chapstick, I suggest using Kiehl's lip balm.  You don't need me to tell you it's one of the best, but what I can tell you is that it is the least fragrant of the bunch, so it doesn't interfere with your wine enjoyment.

I like this flotsam format.  I think I will continue to post these random bits each Friday.  But I will not call it Friday Flotsam even though I like alliteration because I am trying to be less cutesy now that I'm well into my 30's.  Nothing sadder than a woman who acts too girlish.

Serenity

Circa 1985, the first time I saw the classic AA license plate frame, I didn't know that it had anything to do with recovery.

I just thought it was a really, really modest philosophy of life.  I remember I told my dad as much.  I may have used the word "stupid."  Dad explained to me that certain anonymous alchoholics use the motto to keep themselves incrementally sober.  I was satisfied with this answer.

The Alcoholics have since stepped up their game.  Kind of literally.

Today, I saw a license plate frame for the recovering alcoholics of the new millenium.  I didn't take a photo, because I was driving my own car, and now I can't find it on the Internet.  But it went like this:

On Top:  Easy Does It.

On the Bottom: 12 Stepping.

Pretty bad ass, right?  The best part was that at first I thought it said "1, 2 Stepping"  Like the Ciara song. Which AA should totally, totally adopt as a theme song.

Who You Callin' High-Maintenance?

Some people coughDavecough assert that I am just a tad on the high-maintenance side.  I beg to differ.  In my defense, I offer the following:

I like both smooth AND chunky peanut butter.

I enjoy both regular and diet coke.  AND regular and diet pepsi.

I drink coffee both black and with cream & sugar.

Q.E.D.

Flotsam

A few things I wanted to share, none of which individually is really deserving of a post.  You can be the judge as to whether they are worth a post in the aggregate:

1.  Monday night on the way to see my friend's band play at Spaceland,* I was driving through Hollywood.  You know those faux Batmen, Spideys, and Wonderwomen that hang out at Mann's Chinese Theater seeking paid photo opps?  On this evening, the Superfriends were joined by a new character.  It was a midget, dressed up in a Chuckie costume.  So so so frightening.  No one was taking pictures with him, and he just kind of skulked at the back of the pack, which made it all the creepier.

*I must have dropped the phrase "I'm going/went to see my friend's band play at Spaceland" at least 50 times this week.  Ever so casually, of course. 

2.  I think the good people of Helene Curtis stopped making Thermasilk, maker of my go-to cheap conditioner of choice for 8 years.  Seriously, you could get a gallon-sized (approx) vat of it for $6.99 at Target.  I guess I could google to find out the truth(iness), but I'd rather live with the hope of not knowing for sure for just a bit longer.  Or do I?  Good thing I got lots of the good conditioner (Matrix) for Christmas.

3.  At the vet: A kid, around 5, walks in with his mom.  He asks to pet the Little Ninja.  Permission granted, he offers his hand to her for a sniff, then pets her gently.  I compliment his fine manners, and he looks up at me and says, "We're here for rice food to fix my dog's diarrhea."  Polite, AND a conversationalist!

4.  Happy MLK to everyone (who supports equal rights).

Snoopy, Snoopy, Betty Boopy

A couple weeks ago, Fraulein N did this awesome post about things she just doesn't get, and invited her readers to comment on what they themselves don't get.  Things that many other people like and enjoy, but you just don't see the charm.

I couldn't think of anything, really, at the time, but her post inspired a good bit of selfish introspection (my favorite kind!) and I have since come up with two.

Snoopy.

Betty Boop.

Both of them leave me tepid.  And I stand by those opinions, even in the face of ire from people I like and respect. (DJ's husband and Embee's mom, respectively.)

Glad Tidings

Rejected Gladiator Names

Thrust
Infidel
Pontius Pilates
Mongoose
Shiv
Cheetah Girl
Gravel
Chest
Snatch
Harpy
Chomp
'Roid
Tat
Bling
Dr. Phil
Sneer
Nunchuk

Pinche Cabron Calendario

One of my Christmas presents was a Spanish language Page-A-Day calendar.  Like the Far Side tear-off calendars, but with a Spanish word of the day, used in a sentence.  I was really psyched to receive it, in part because I'm trying to learn Spanish and this would be a good complement to my lessons, and partially because I'd had about 6 glasses of wine when I'd opened it.

I took the calendar to work, where I could reflect on the lesson all the day long while at my desk, and also so I could impress my coworkers with my multi-lingual savvy.  The first few days' lessons were loosely themed around New Years resolutions.  Very timely.  I was a little perturbed when January 2 taught me to say, "Yo quiero bajar de peso."  "I want to lose weight."  Kind of insulting, but hey, what 32 year old woman in Los Angeles doesn't sometimes want to shed some pesos? 

Turns out that was only the beginning of the downer that is my calendar.  Turns out, my calendar is an ASSHOLE.

January 9 taught me to say "Mis abuelos ya estan muriendos."  "My grandparents are already dead."  Muy cheery.

Lest you think I'm stretching the truth, here's today's:

How useful for all us children of broken casas. 

These are not the phrases I've been yearning to learn.  Wither the "I'd like two tickets to Granada"?  The "I'd like extra cheese on my enchilada"?  The "Fidel Castro can't last forever, and neither can the rum embargo"??? 

Surely Friday's will be, "I had to put my dog down."  Stupid calendar.

In Case You Weren't Certain

Christmas is over.

Totally over.

Killed dead.

I hope they mulched Christmas.