Friday Flotsam XXI

Henpecked, indeed!  The people were not chickenshit about dissing chickenshit!  I get it, fowl is foul is fowl is foul.  No fresh eggs for my vaguely urban yard.  No realized vision of scattered chicken feed.  No yolks the color of Geoge Hamilton's skin.

It's cool though.  Poop is gross.

***

You know what else is gross?  Paying $70.13 to fill up my gas tank.  Mebbe I should have gotten that Prius.  Mebbe I'm going to make friends with the pretty, pretty bus.

Yep.  Me and Keanu, keeping it above 55 mph in SaMo.

 

 

***

Also potential poop gross?  I have jury doody on Monday.  The thing is, were my time my own, I would LOVE to sit on a jury.  And if I didn't have to make up the hours of work I would miss (bye-bye nights and weekends), I would actively lobby to be on the jury.  As it stands, though, I'll be praying for a peremptory challenge, just like everyone else.

My new friend Mr. Ho, got his fine ass out of jury duty by employing a strategy he calls "assholery."  Much as it sounds, this involves demonstrating one's more-strident side.  A sample exchange:

Lawyer:  Does anyone here have any negative impressions about big corporations?  Mr. Ho, how about you?

Ho:  (sneering voice) No. 

Lawyer:  That's good.  It sounds like you can be fair.

Ho:  YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!! 

Lawyer:  The defense would like to thank and excuse Juror Number 4.

Ho: Bye-bye!

***

I don't know if I can pull off the assholery technique.  I couldn't even get a chicken.  And I'm the dillhole who paid 70 bucks to gas up her car.  Fortunately, I'm going to see Mr. Ho tomorrow for dinner/cocktails/SATC movie, so I can pick his brain for more assholery tips.  Indeed, we're carpooling to Hollywood together in my car, so he totally owes me at least that.

Comments

[7thStreet]

You just have to appear intelligent and independently minded. Lawyer asks "Does anyone here see a problem with awarding an injured person damages based on the future earnings they won't be able to achieve anymore because of the injury?" I raise my hand and say "Well it depends upon the assumptions you are making concerning future earning capacity, length of life and other factors that we will need to carefully consider." Adios, courtroom.

Or at least that worked for me. Being a lawyer is bad enough, but a smart lawyer scares them even more.

[Embee]

Or you could go with intolerably stupid/inappropriate lawyer:

Lawyer: "Does anyone here see a problem with awarding an injured person damages based on the future earnings they won't be able to achieve anymore because of the injury?"

You: "Depends. Is he hot?"

[Dave]

I personally liked the "If the police arrest you, it's pretty likely that you did it" response to the "innocent before proven guilty" question when I was in jury duty. I didn't use it, but non-juror number 8 used it to great acclaim.

[TasterSpoon]

Dave brings up an interesting question. Is it poor form to copy another juror's technique? Like, if you were going to use Dave's line, but then non-juror number 8 used it first, could you say, "yeah - what he said," or must each person prepare his own material?

I have been very interested in juries lately. Check out the Fully Informed Jury Association - all about jury nullification of unjust laws, or unjust applications of the law - there's a section in there about how to GET seated - basically, never mention FIJA. It's like Fight Club.

But yay for doing your civic duty! Maybe you can bill it as Continuing Legal Education.

[TasterSpoon]

Dave brings up an interesting question. Is it poor form to copy another juror's technique? Like, if you were going to use Dave's line, but then non-juror number 8 used it first, could you say, "yeah - what he said," or must each person prepare his own material?

I have been very interested in juries lately. Check out the Fully Informed Jury Association - all about jury nullification of unjust laws, or unjust applications of the law - there's a section in there about how to GET seated - basically, never mention FIJA. It's like Fight Club.

But yay for doing your civic duty! Maybe you can bill it as Continuing Legal Education.