The Car Guy, Mr. Bell Tower, the Midwest Marvel, his nibs, has extremely graciously agreed to pipe up on these pages from time to time, like when I go on vacation. I sort of didn't get it together to publish his Very Patriotic Post before I left, so please allow me to milk his riff on Independence Day into this following week.
After all, as BT asked me, what is more patrotic than AMERICAN GLADIATORS? So pour yourself a nice, fresh weight gainer shake, sit back, and enjoy.
Without further ado, I give you:
MR. BELL TOWER.
****
Ms. Vaguely Urban recently asked me if I would be interested in occasionally contributing a post to her fabulous blog. Sheesh, talk about flattering!
Her "Rejected Gladiator Names" post back in January unearthed special memories for me, because my college roommate and I did the exact same thing 15 years ago, as we wasted more than a few Saturdays watching the original Gladiators. I forwarded the link to my college roommate, who now lives in Norway, and a flurry of cross-continental emails followed. There's plenty of chaff here, but I've left them unedited,
because some I initially thought were duds cracked me up when I looked at them later. Plus, it also demonstrates my belief that if you take a funny concept and beat it into the ground, it only gets funnier.
P.S.: "Corbin Lacina" requires a bit of explanation. That's the name\of a football player at our college. While waiting in the cafeteria line one day, my roommate witnessed Corbin suddenly and violently
wedge his forearm under another student's chin and stiffarm him back about 25 feet, finally slamming him against a wall. Apparently this hapless student made the mistake of cutting in line in front of Corbin
for a pork chop.
Chicago:
Smorgasboard (misspelling deliberate)
Attila
Crackpot
Quagmire
Gridlock
Despot
Tyrannus
Tyrant
Captor
Scofflaw
Drama
Spectre
Landmine
Shellshock
Crumbum
Reflux
Asthma
Heartburn
Chronic
Shrinkwrap
Spasm
Ballhog
Nightstick
Blackjack
Stent
Graft
Junta
Jambalaya
Gumbo
---------------
Norway:
Tatt2
Bumper
Forklift
Skidloader
Handjob
Glutes
Retread
Boneyard
Hematoma
Blog
Strut
Oak
Rebar
Mulch
Halfwit
Skidmark
Danger
Inbreed
Linedance
Sloth
Cuddler
Cranium
Clubfoot
Arthritis
Itch
Bison
Opossum
Migraine
Cramp
Smoothie
Chicago:
Seize
Tight
Miss Sinewy
Torque
Razorback
Banjo
Bongo
Pipes
Heartburn
Magnum
Grudge
Twinlab
Reps and Sets (identical twins)
Shock and Awe (identical twins)
Mallet
Gavel
Bailiff
Wapner
School
Coldcock
Diesel
Semi
Horrid
Chilly
Oof
Frostbite
Throttle
Shank
Plank
Lank
Yank
Yak
Dowel
Gristle
Grizzle
Sling
Grind
Scythe
Reaper
Girder
Girdle
Virus
Toxin
Lump
Ammo
Clampdown
Smackdown
Shakedown
Tank
Gong
Beef
Thud
Seethe
Grip
Heave
Hamhock
Beef
Clench
I-Beam
Trunk
Balco
Clydesdale
Throb
Pulse
Joist
Buttress
Badger
Asphalt
Molasses
Water Moccassin
Flex
Komodo
Cable
Sass
Clutch
Blowback
Crapshoot
Cornfed
Eightball
Redline
Flatline
Katrina
Chainsaw
Riff
Codpiece
Patriot
Lockjaw
Slackjaw
Gemini
Uranus
Black Hole
Cornhole
Batter
Frankenberry
Cudgel
Boulder
Cujo
Bitchslap
Hogtie
Buckshot
Clambake
Hoedown
Spangle
Glands
Magma
Scud
Humvee
Chopsocky
Slaphappy
Cooter
Knuckle Sandwich
Embargo
Shillelagh (wears a kilt and a Tam o' Shanter, of course)
Norway:
Mound
Hose
Wildebeest
Jpeg
Plow
Brokeback
Humpback
Bronco
Pump
Freighter
Grunt
Socks
Panty
Bread
Silverback
Nibbler
Snuggle
Omnivore
Nodule
Polyp
Autist
Protein
Proton
Crouton
Backwater
Nuts
Wedge
Chisel
Torso
Bicep
Brick
Wigwam
Drystack
Glacier
Boiler
Belgian Blue
Chicago:
Daddy
Mom
Jaywalker
Salad (catch phrase "You can't toss this Salad!!)
Slab
Traction
Neverland (catch phrases <pointing> "I'm gonna take you there!!" <flexing oiled up biceps> "Taste the Jesus Juice!!"
Salsa
Lambada
Pewter
Steeple
Chapel
Bumpkin
Holstein
Angus
Chicago:
Headbutt
Clothesline (guess what these guys' signature moves are!)
Trespass
Lion
Tsunami
Chinook
Clouds
Lunge
Steer
Banshee
Poltergeist
Warhead
Sidewinder
Misfire
Ingot
Anvil
Phalanx
Crawdad
Lobster
One-Two (this guy has a big old-timey mustache and says things like"Put up your dukes!!")
Swashbuckle
Swashbuckler
Trough
Madrasa
Puff Adder
Guns
Flynn
Flyboy
Rack
Stacks
Sacks
Lugnut
Tabasco
Habanero
Wasabi
Kimchi
Rapscallion
Whiplash
Pistol Whip
Rascal
Bolus
Cotton Picker
Norway:
Chaps
Saddlebags
Friction
Disco
Ape
Chimp
Primate
Ho
Haystack
Panda
Buffet
Corbin Lacina
Softserve
A-frame
Sawhorse
Rub
Dud
Tugboat
See-saw
Rivet
Donkey
Bladder
Looter
G-string
Hooker
Knickers
Hindenburg
Bulge
Yummy
Chunk
Shemale
Manchild
Chicago:
Burlap
Retsyn
Palomino
Vagrant
Bile
Bowzer (must get rights from Sha-Na-Na... or estate of Sha-Na-Na--both for the name and the patented flexing technique)
Blunt
Trauma
Brusque
F-Stop
Goomba
Gorilla
Scowl
Howler
Owl
Post
Stone
Cassock
Cossack
Tsar
Serf
Sherpa
Lynchmob
Spaz
Devolve
Savant
Cheesecake
Stifle
Scalawag
Horchata
Trifle
Scrapple
Haggis
Driveby
Thug
Chafe
Hayseed
Yokel
Trawler
Longhorn
Snitch
Beekeeper
Ruffian
Coal
Stripmine
Closet
Hamper
Bada-Bing
Chaff
Chicago:
Broadside
Swipe
Swiffer
Nebula
Monger
Homeskillet
Blight
Scapegoat
Scorch
Dogpile
Pugilist
Punish
Cognac
Fisticuff
Bandit
Showoff
Hoagie
Boatload
Alot
Grenade
Sprawl
Oh lord, these are killing me. Supplementing with catch phrases is a nice touch. My favorite is Reflux.
Posted by: TasterSpoon | July 08, 2008 at 10:10 AM
I'm partial to Coldcock, but the one that made me laugh out loud the hardest is Retsyn. Ultimately, though, the genius lies in the progressive cadence of the lists.
Posted by: Vaguely Urban | July 08, 2008 at 01:03 PM
The progression from Protein -> Proton -> Crouton is awesome
Handjob would be great
as are the twins Reps and Sets
Can I nominate Grabass?
Posted by: Dan | July 08, 2008 at 01:45 PM